Explaining Death to a Child
Our family recently experienced a shocking death of a loved one. Our best friend, Sean*, died unexpectedly two weeks ago. Sean was our friend before we had kids – well over a decade and counting. For years it was the three of us going to shows, partying, listening to bands and talking into the wee hours. We were there through different jobs. We were there through a few girlfriends. We were there when he met his wife. We were there when they had their beloved son. And as it turns out, we were there just after death. Our hearts ached. Our hearts still ache. But in addition to our own profound grief, we quickly realized our kids knew something was up almost immediately.
How do we explain when the inevitable question is asked, “Dad/Mom, where is Sean?” How much should we tell them? How do you explain a heart attack to a five year old? How much detail to you go into about death? How do you explain the “after” when you yourself do not know.
Our first attempt at explaining lead to a lot of “ever?” questions. “You mean Sean is dead forever?”, “When will Sean ever be home?”, “Will we ever see Sean again?” and “Wait, Ethan will never have a Dad again?” and the inevitable “Will you ever have a heart attack?”
After searching for just the right thing to say we realized, there is no perfect way to deal with explaining death to a child. In a perfect world we wouldn’t have to. But for the rest of us, here are a few things to remember.
Children as young as pre-school are aware of death. They hear about it in fairytales, see it on TV, see dead bugs or animals on the road. They know. Avoiding the topic isn’t going to help their journey to understand life and death so don’t dodge the question.
Keep answers simple and brief. If you have ever attempted to explain what is a rainbow or how a bird flies you know, your toddler only has about 15 second of attention span before they have moved onto something else. It’s best to explain death in terms of simple physical functions. For example, “Uncle John’s body stopped working” or “Uncle John can’t hear us anymore” or “Uncle John now lives in our hearts” is better rather than get into the details or even the unknown of what has happened.
Explain your emotions. Instead of leaving your child confused about seeing you cry explain that you are crying because you are sad – that you miss your brother, sister, mother, uncle or friend. However, as hard as it is, don’t frighten your child with excessive grief.
Don’t sugar coat it. Avoid terms like “resting in peace” or “has gone away”. Imagine the confusion when you tell your child down the road that you need to take a rest or are going away for the night. The fear that you will not come back, just as your loved one did not, will be at the forefront of their mind and will cause additional stress in your child.
Know this isn’t the last time you will speak of it. It may be the very next day or two months down the line but questions from your child will come up over and over again. The permanence of death is a struggle to understand, even for adults, and as your child’s cognitive skills grow, so will their curiosity about what happened to your deceased love one.
And lastly, remember and memorialize the deceased. Just as an adult, children need a way to mourn the death of a loved one. Have them light a candle, draw a picture, share a memory or sing a song in remembrance of the loved one. Share memories that involved your child and the deceased and remind them how much they were loved. Comfort is found in love and your child hearing about the love that surrounds them still will help them cope with the loss of the physical person it as well.
Of course, if you or your child seems excessively terrified, sad or depressed following the death of a loved one, please talk to our healthcare provider about professional grief counselors. They too will help navigate this extremely sorrowful time.
*names have been changed out of respect and for the privacy of the family
